Back 17 years ago, 1991 to be exact, I still remember up to this moment the times we used to go everywhere from park to free concerts, using that van. Whenever I go home riding on it, I used to stare and daydream about a good future and never giving up the dreams I have. I used to stare at those green fields and highways, hoping to find something that will fill that hopelessness and despair. And through that, an unexplainable hope blooms by doing so. And I would say and affirm to myself, "My dreams will come true soon".
It's the sentimental value and memories we had that make that van so special. Remembering the fond memories of our family being together; and of course it is where I vent out of dreams and imagination. Now that it has being taken away, I feel that my dreams and desires being taken away too... We had to sell it because we will face much loss when the van's buying value depreciates as year passes by. If only I have enough money, I would like to keep it as family asset.. but right now I don't... If only... everything is within my power... If everything is within my hand...
I dont want to think that Ive mistaken material things for sentimental values. Memories will remain as memories. And I feel so sorry and sad for myself knowing that life is really too harsh, that good things and good memories never last long. I'd just like to think that it's the heart that will keep those memories(good or sad) safe; I'd like to think that way to console myself.
Id just hope and pray that the money will be used for good. Jesus Christ, at this very moment that I want to give up because I can't find that something to fill my emptiness. I don't want to lose everything either if I surrender now...
christmasI wrote my friend Maribel just to say hi to her and know how she's been doing. It's been about 5 years that she has worked abroad in Papua New Guinea country.
She has always been my confidante, even consulting my fate through palm reading hahahaha...
Here's my email to her and I would like to share to all of you, dear bloggers, what ive been up to and thinking about the yuletide, and my life, in general
To my Friend, Maribel,
Hi, :-)
Im okay (though Im not at most of the times). It seems like this is the way life should be - cause we don't have choice but continue breathing and waking up every morning of our lives to continue or life's journey, It might be so much unlikely to choose suicide as last , desperate resort, just to end every day ordeal that we have to face. It's just Im so depressed.. and having this kind of life is so wearisome...
Okay, this is the overview or summary of some areas of my otherwise boring existence :
LOVE = 0% or the probably the lowest scale of the temperature (that is unbelievable 0 degrees of freezing) Because I have no lovelife. I aint got special someone. A friend suggested I need to have makeover. In addition, I have this dream of someone else but it has been a hopeless romantic case though since he's my type, he's probably a hot, gorgeous, hunk or celebrity .. hehe he.. Please see my attached image signature at the end of this email.. youll see 
HEALTH = SO - SO to SEVERE ... Oh my God... Im so afraid that I might end up as heavy as a whale.. Ive gained weight that my waistline ended from 27 to 30 inches. And my face is almost as round as siopao (chinese meat-filled buns). Since I hate smoking, I have to give in to food cravings just to overcome pressures in work.
plus the environmental factor.. I crave more for food since the food stuffs available in the canteen is bland, and hopefully unsavory and stale(at times, i suspect)
If I wont stop, this , I might end up the worst case scenario : an aging and fat woman. (although im only 28, i feel i age unbelievably fast because of my lifestyle!) and If i end up this way, my god, I have nothing to expect more from my love life area... since most of the guys are attracted to sexy and sophisticated women (no offense meant, it' s my observation, and my honest point of view) Men nowadays are unbelievably demanding and selfish! bwahahahaha...
WORK = SO - SO to OK. It's as if this is the only thing I can do and best at! It feels like I was somewhat like a hardworking ant during my previous life... I want to resign since Ive got an ugly workplace location, it's an urban city where there is a lot of pollution and crimes... never ending beggar residing at streetwalks scenario ... oh my god... why can't they just go back to province / rural originating places where you can eat decently just by planting crops??? why do they have to reside on city? ok, back to topic... I want to leave my current job because of such untidy, ugly workplace location (though my office is fine.. but there is a big but! talking about it's location) If only i could have a large amount of money that will be sufficient to live a peaceful, decent, and comfortable life, I'd better quit this job soon and start thinking of doing something else (like getting married, travel abroad, and writing romance novels since im hopeless romantic anyway)
MONEY = So - So to SEVERE. Oh my God, who would not want MONEY??? I have my savings but its not decently enough because of bad economy. Most of it will be allocated for emergencies and loans... As Ive said, If only I can have a large amount of money enough for living a decent and comfortable life, I'd better quit this job as programmer since Im not happy in this job anyway... I might probably do something that will help me fulfill my existence.. but.. it's not yet possible as of this time...
FRIENDS/COLLEAGUES/SOCIAL LIFE = This ?? Oh my God, if you were in my place doing programming softwares and applications, oh god, I even find it hard to turn on my cellphones because of backbreaking work. What more, to meet new faces? oh my gosh, dont expect more from LOVELIFE area and the opportunity to meet "cute" guys.
So this sums up my life,. I want to work there in papua new guinea just like you too, but i might consider some requirements and of course the expenses. I hope you can inform me soon if there is an opportunity for me there.
So, take care mare! please write soon. Only you I can speak in heart to heart since i know youre a sincere person. DONT EVER CHANGE.. OR ELSE..ILL HIT YOUR ASS !!!
PS : Please take a look at the picture of fantasized-soon-to-be my underaged boyfriend : bwahahaha...
dala ng work ko, medyo pumupurol na ang communication skills ko sa english.. hehe..
anyway, gustong-gusto ko talaga ang alice academy series.. kaya lang bitin eh!
palibhasa kasi piratang copy ng dvd lang yun..
hay.. ang sarap bumalik sa puberty age... nung time na nag-uumpisa ka pa lang makilala ang word na "crush"
nung pinanood ko ang alice academy, ganun ang theme.. for young girls manga, kaya shoujo-manga ang classification ng anime na 'to.. about being young... happy and lively..
btw, grade 4 ako nun.. nung una akong magka crush sa elementary, ang weirdest part ay.. hindi ko alam bakit nangingiti akong bigla at nagde-daydreaming tuwing makikita ko ang isang guy na grade 5 na .. yun pala kilig ang tawag dun sa salitang yun hehe...
nung napanood ko ang alice academy.. nanghinayang ako.. bakit ba hindi ko in-enjoy ang buhay ko nung mas bata ako, lalo na during elementary , highschool, at college days?
intentionally, dineprive ko ang sarili ko at naging seryoso sa pag-aaral at sa buhay at early age..
wala naman akong gaanong regrets, yun lang huli kong nabanggit, about being able to enjoy life at early age...
sabagay, me price at kapalit naman ang lahat ng bagay sa mundo.. here i am, somehow, medyo maganda ang career, sa social life nga lang nagkulang, pero babawi rin ako ! :-)
I have not much into the mood of reminiscing the bad chapters of heartbreak ~ I just feel like pouring out my feelings and thoughts (as always, having a bad habit of taking of much space in cyberspace, for some selfish reason)
I'll be heading to another chapter of my life, welcoming possible opportunities to find new love, All i wish for specially this year is to have a series of brand new : a brand new work, brand new boss, brand new co-workers, brand new goals, all in all : BRAND NEW FACES AND CHANCES.
I wish on the stars that, I would successfully close this not so good chapter of my life, especially the hardest part and most regretful : welcome someone like you in my life, only to ruin my plans and break my heart. Don't be so confident anymore that women of my kind may fall into a guy like you, For you are nothing more than a brand new car that is extremely gorgeous at first sight, but definitely unreliable, cowardly, and powerless.
It might be impossible to forget you, for you had been imprinted in memory, a part of my past (unfortunately); Someday, it may only remain a cause of funny reason to laugh at myself , who is, someone from a past, used to stupidly fall for someone like you. It had been a regretful to think why this heart chose you. Yes, it might be almost impossible to forget you, but my heart will learn to forget the feelings it had for someone like you, someone it used to love and care for.
I wish there's someone out there for me who will make me a better person that I can be; I feel sorry that I foolishly used to think that it was you; but I was really damn wrong...
Fortunately, I am already at the last part of my recovery from heartbreak.
Goodbye, Mr. Heartbreaker.
Definitely, there are a lot of reasons why the world is badly in need of peace. To consider, there are a lot of main factors why a simple dispute leads into great misunderstandings and worse, war and loss of lives. It might have been a simple exchange of ideas and words, expression of opinions... but why, is it in human nature to be egotistical ? Imposing his own opinions without regarding other's as much better and worthy of consideration.
From commoners upto high ranking government officials... a simple comment may lead to hurling of insults. Making public places or property an arena for a cockfight... Desperately seizing the opportunity to feed their hungry egoes by making themselves much better than the opposing side.
We are human beings ~ blessed with eyes, ears and mouth. It might be better to use these senses to make way for at least moment of peace for a while. We should listen before we react. And react after we listen. Wouldn't being shutted off for a while pays a lot for a peaceful moment for at least a minute of our lives?
Realizing that life is really cruel, there are just some f--g bastards out there who will not only be satisfied by inflicting hardships on you, making your life even harder; they will devour your soul up to the last flesh. They can always bring you down, making you feel that youre a loser, where, in fact, they are all losers as well. They wont stop until you surrender yourself -- including the self respect that remains in you.
Those itchy tongue, always waiting for another victim's ruined life, those stupid dirty minds and jealous ugly faces, are what real losers have. Theyre like sort of evil monsters or just the devil themselves making your day bad or making beautiful places turn out to be so messy. They always find gossip and spread it elsewhere; like a bacteria that grows and spreads so fast; they are; the ones who always whine about unfair life but always turns out to be so always greedy and envious, and damn insecure; They always involve themselves with useless competition or having this annoying competitive-spirit using this to make themselves stupidly superior among others, where in real fight or battle, they always suck so badly.
Like parasites, these kind of people will suck your blood upto the very last fluid. Theyre going to benefit and use whatever talent, skill or resource you have and leave you when you can no longer provide anything they want. The worst part is, they are always the one who will betray you in the end. They always like to stick around with you like a fly on a dog's poo and leave you when you aint got nothing to offer anymore. They always wear big fake smiles who always anticipate someone's mistake and misfortune, attacking and judging other people's morals, flaws and imperfection, while denying their own...
They also like to talk BIG, stuffs -- making you ask a universal question whenever they interrupt your meaningful conversation --- "what the hell do i care about that..? so.. what?? does the stock market rises up whenever you talk like this, or will the earth crush into its damnation whenever you're not around doing some dirty a-- boasting your stuff? are you a superhero or something??... , " they are always the kind of people who you would love to slap the face with dirty slippers you wear when you stepped on a dog's poo.
Cant they just leave you alone, or stop doing this? No, they won't because it's their source of happiness, turning everybody into the kind of loser like them, messing around with people's lives and jobs, and relationships, if you let them. These a--holes know nothing about friendship and sincerity.
Time stood still at 'The Lake House'
It was my 3rd time to watch 'The Lake House' movie last night.
And up to now, i still cant exactly figure out what is it with that movie that attracted me and moved me so much.
First, Keanu and Sandra have both good acting performance, Fine. so be it. Isnt it obvious that both of them are famous veterans of acting in hollywood industry, not yet mentioning the good rapport between these two actors.
Second the twist of the plot, makes you do a brainstorming after watching it, which has taken me into so much amazement; and finally realizing that the story's plot is exciting and highly logical.
Third, my being hopeless romantic has drawn me into watching this movie for the THIRD.. THIRD time. S--t i cant help it and it can't be helped if Keanu is really a hot guy. (though many have speculated he's gay, i still dont give a damn care about it)
Fourth and the last, it's about the lesson about patience brought by this movie, how to pursue and when to give up when you know you cant win sometimes, which brought me to the realization that life isnt really winning at all times. we rather experience loss or failure much more than winning. It is in our hands or decision, to fight or give up, to analyze if something, like love is WORTH FIGHTING and WAITING FOR.
it's great monday today, i love this monday, because im off from work! - it's 100(?) th Philippine Indepence day today - an official holiday.
just as what a famous song by Carpenters, "Rainy Days and Mondays" ... rainy days and mondays always get me down...
ive always felt that no one understands me...people tend to be cold and insensitive.. how i wish there is one soul out there who truly feels or understands this dilemma ive felt -- the feeling of being isolated and misunderstood.
